Just recently I went through something pretty significant and I have no other way to feel but to just simply express what love is to me or has ever been. I will post a definition of what’s on google.
LOVE
: a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person. : attraction that includes sexual desire : the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship. : a person you love in a romantic way.
When I read the definition for the first time I actually cringed. I know this sounds fucked up but the reason I say this is cause I got Love for my bro’s but not in no sexual odd shit or romantic way.
You are gonna read this, probably wondering what in the fuck happened to this man. I’m gonna tell you. I was recently asked “WHAT DOES LOVE MEAN TO YOU ISAAH”, ? Oh shit Hold up before I go any further. If you want to hear what I was listening to while I was typing this click the link below
Alright back to the business! So when asked I froze right there in site because if I was asked to break it down and I would have been getting teary eyed like I am right now just thinking about what I have for a definition of the 4 letter word Love. So love is a word of 4 letters that a lot of us act as putting on. To some of us this word is more than a 4 letter word with having a deep disgusting heart. To me love is everything I have lived off in my whole life. It was the only thing I ever held onto in my life the most. This is my downfall. because I’m going to share everything that love is to me.
Love to me is what I came from. It all started with my parents. They were always so happy when I was growing up and to be honest the only time that I saw them argue was when I was doing dumb shit which was mostly in my teen days. Then this one day that happiness changed into a mental break down so bad she will never recover from it. Anyone who knows me well will know that I’m always dealing and bitching about my mother. How could I not, she is a pain in the ass. This pain in the ass though dealt with my ass for a long time. My mother a smart fantastic hard dedicated mother would soon become lost. My mother was my best friend growing up. I told her everything and always would be my go too. Then all of a sudden my go too is not the same by any means. This was hard for me to cope with for a long time! It was hard to see my inspiration growing up crumble. Eventually you learn how to deal with it and just try to move forward with it! It’s frustrating at times trying to deal with the antics but before my father passed I promised him I would take care of her when I find her. Some of you might not understand but my father was well on his way with battling cancer but this will be next. When my mother became lost she ventured off on her own with no contact information left behind. This was stressful although I would never vent this to anyone at the time this shit was killing me inside. Although she was not around for my fathers cancer or the passing of his ceremony. This was a whole fiasco all in. I say this because with everything going on with my father passing and prior to passing he was holding on to life because he wanted to see her one more time. That guy had one wish and I couldn’t provide. What he had was love. There is more too it as well though.
So prior to me loosing my best friend and inspiration I had another role model in my life who I only wanted to impress my whole life. This was my father Arnold Lee Finney aka Lee Lee or Ali. This man would do anything for me and I mean literally anything. If you touched me you were dead. If you talked wrong about me you were dead. I was his everything. I think this was because I’m pretty sure I’m the only one he raised since birth and was around out of 6. The 6’3′ gentle giant taught me everything I know in life today and more importantly he taught me about love. My father was not a talkative guy but has a smile that would lite up any room. I remember when I was younger living in Mass I was being a little shit to the guy next door and hanging on his fence. So the guy came out and gestured he was going to push me so as any kid would I jumped off. I got back on it and kept taunting the guy. He finally came over close enough to me where, when I jumped off the fence it looked like he hit me. The gentle giant came outside faster than I jumped and went right at the guys neck. This was the first time I ever heard my dad curse “Isaah did he fucking touch you?” I’m scared and the guy is looking at me because he know the wrong answer and he is about to get completely fucked up! I shouted NOOOOOOOOOOOO! My dad let go and still told the guy don’t ever think about it. My dad yanked me by the shirt and brought me inside when we got into the house he put his hand on my head in such a way you just know that this mans love was so strong for his son he would literally kill for him. This was the first time I remember experience love from my father. This is love to me!
So I’m just going to go through a couple things here. I’m not going to talk about the whole life or the growing up of my life but some points that I wanted to express so you can understand what love means to me.
Sorry but this is where some of you might read this and you will know that it’s you or a group and you will also know that you are part of what love is to me and here is my reason.
When you come from the City where there is a large abundance of race and move to a small town with 1 other black family. You tend to experience things and sometimes the things you experience are really fucked up. I watched you go through so much growing up when we move up north. That’s right your life was literally turned right upside down. You remained stronger than anyone I know. I don’t know how you were able to keep it together because back then you understood and I wouldn’t experience anything as severe as you did nor did I understand the full concept of what was going on until I was able to look back at it in my older days. The words back then had such a meaning to them. The antics of the harassment one would endure. The beating stick, all of it. You never lost your cool and you always kept me away from it. You protected me growing up from the ugliness that you were punished by. You remained strong through it all and always been there when I needed you most. To me this is love!
When I was growing up I did some really fucked up shit. I was loyal as fuck to the guys. I would do anything for my niggas. These guys are white but on the real they my niggas. When I was young and in constant savage mode I made sure to always take care of shit that needed to be done. It was a good thing I was never in a gang because I would have prob been in jail for life or something. So there was some things I did that I’m not proud of back then but they all illustrate what love has been to me in some cases throughout life. For me love was sick and tired of watching you try and find love. Watching you keep going into relationships that kept having the same shitty outcome. It was sick of watching you put everything you had into all those relationships. It was you being the only loyal one out there being fucked with and taken advantage of. It was you never giving up on hope and love. I was sick of it and fed up with it. I couldn’t help myself but I threatened her. I told her if she ever fucks with you like that again I’m going to fuck her up. I would never put my hands on a female but this one was known for being shady so I let have a ear full. This was love to me.
I was close with alot of people and alot of the dudes. I remember you coming to the house and being in tears. This was the first time I ever saw you cry or would even expect it. So we talk about what was going on and what happened. We got to a point where you were laughing. This was a good feeling. You know that smile crying laugh. Those are the best when someone is there with you. So after talking and coming to a plan on how I’m going to handle this. So after some strategic thoughts and players I make my move. I’m creeping on the lawns and confirm the location with a fucking drive by. So I am willing to commit a fucking crime and take whatever law action that was going to come if I got caught. So I put lipstick all over this car writing the most fucked up shit. If transgender was a thing back then I was doing it on this car acting like a girl. So no harm no foul but this was love to me.
There was a point and time where we had issues in the group. We are all guys and full of nuts. There is definitely going to be issues sometimes. Everyone had each other back for real. So there was a time when someone owed someone I think like $200 bucks or something which was a lot then. Damn I feel old. So when you got issues like this the only way to handle it was to pick one over the other but they can both benefit from it. So if someone is not going to pay the other back you gotta get it by any means. So this was really fucked up but the idea came to because he is going to sell it for drugs before drugs were a thing. It seemed justified. So players and I do a couple drive by’s to check the lights and make sure they are out. So the lights are out and we gotta get the items that we think we equivalent to the value. So with a screwdriver and some wire snips we commend cutting. We get the item and then cover up the tracks because we know it will buy us some time with everything. So we get the things that we went to get and then there it sits in my closet for a long as time. This was love to me.
There are things in life that people will go through and only a small share will fully understand it. Those who have been or are gone. When you are older then some others you tend to have an advantage of doing it first. So you build this already well established relationship and among. There are many in all shapes and form. Some are sons, dads, grandfathers, daughters, moms, grandmothers but everyone shares a common goal. When you are moving on in life and the option comes up decline or agree. When you know you are taking a chance with your own life for someone else’s. Keep doing it because if they don’t come back you want to be there with them. Your life is going good and you were successful the first time do you say yes again for another chance at death? Do you tell your wife that I want to go with them and If you don’t like it oh well. We have all chanced death and would do it again if the call came. I sure know I would! We all hold a bond that no one will ever understand. No matter where we are all in life we will always know and I would do it all again if I had too.
I had to come back after writing this to add this one. This is one that truly I will forever hold in my heart and will always do anything for this person. When My father passed away. It put a financial issue on the family. When someone dies it’s not like the insurance claim is right there with cash to cover the fee of a service. My father has some family siblings that are well off and I was the person in charge on making the decision of cremation or a casket and with all the other shit going on with my mother still legally being married I was told I had to make a decision. Well the casket was about 5k to 7k and I think the Cremation was like 2k-4k or something. We did what we could to gather the funds between family. We were 1000 bucks short. So I called up a person very dear to my heart and had no choice but to ask him. I asked him for 1000 bucks and without any issue or concern he said yes I’ll bring it down. This guy helped my family over come this issue when my dads own sibling wouldn’t! This here is why if you ever call for anything I will always answer. This is love to me
So before I get into this next one. I want to just give a general run down. I was with a very beautiful smart person who would of cut her tits off to save my life. We were together for about 15 years total and married a good amount. We also had a child together. I am blessed to have a child under the circumstances that were presented at the time. I absolutely ran through this lady. I dragged her though multi deployments in the military, I cheated on her numerous times and completely broke her heart without a care in the world. It was with every wrong doing and even up till the last court date that she was still surprised that I was really going to follow through with it. After everything I put her through she was still willing to love me and try to make it work. I knew in my heart that she deserved better and I also knew she was not the one. She almost was but she truly was not the one. This was love to me.
This next one is going to be long so I want everyone to get a drink or take a piss. When you have something that is so true and pure it usually will always find a way. When I was younger I had a lot of friends but there were some that had an all exclusive pass. I always said when I’m older in this day and age I hope I can have what I once saw my parents have with this person. When I was little in middle school this is when my love for you began. I would always talk to you on the phone and it would drive my sister nuts. You would call prob 50 times a day after school and we would fall asleep on the phone. My dad would come in and pull the phone from underneath my head and usually cover me up because I would still be in my school clothes because your conversation was more important than taking 5 min to change or even take a bath. This friendship would continue on throughout life. As we get older we continue talking all the time during junior high days. When your young you can find the opposite attractive but you don’t fully understand what it is you are looking at or understanding the feelings you are developing because you are just to young. I would sneak out with my counter part and walk miles or ride my bike miles in order to see you. Just to see your smile and be around you. The risk was worth it at such a young age. So between sneaking out and constantly talking on the phone I think we would hang out when we could. I would receive my first most awkward kiss from you during these sneak out sessions. We were both always busy with sports as little kids and if we were not around each other then we were on the phone until someone passed out. So time continues forward and are friendship is about to be challenged as we are introduced into the cruel world of high school.
When you get into high school you meet new people and learn there are a lot of people really in this town. You are almost overwhelmed by what high school is. We remained talking our freshman year and we were always close. We would hang out but we never actually officially had a chance to date. I think the biggest part of this was because of me. I was scared to take a chance of risking the love I had for you. I was scared that I would lose my best friend and the most important part of my nights. So the year goes on and we remain close as usual. Towards the end of the year things start to fade as summer is approaching. I’m indulged in leaving all summer to go work and come back on the weekends. I’m also really close with my jock friends. I spend all weekdays down in New Hampshire working. I come back on the weekends and you were always out busy doing stuff that I was not really into. Don’t get me wrong I would crush some beer around the fire at my parents house with the people and you were never around for it. My best friend faded away. The person I use to want to talk to first thing in the morning and last person I wanted to hear from before bed was gone. Summer is over and we are back in school.
Things are different. We are close but we don’t talk that much and we really just kinda keep to the clicks we have formed over the summer. I was a jock and you were one of them. I watch the person I love get so far away from me where it became a concern. I never did express this because I wanted to hold on to what little bit of the shoe lace that was left. We completely are now on our own. You have your things and I have mine. We all get into relationships and I pretty much was in one my whole high school I think from my freshman summer to beginning of senior year. Even though we have lost each other the love was always still there. This is where I would risk anything for you even if it meant hurting the person that I was currently with at the time. I had a developed a love so strong for you that if my life back then was a door you always had a key. I remember the random calls for a ride here and there. I would lie and drop whatever I had going on to be there. No one knew about this except us. So this was my first true time actually being willing to risk everything I had for 10 min. It was so random. It was worth it and I was willing to do it again if you ever called. This was the first time I cheated. I cheated on my girlfriend with you. I picked you up and we drove up the road and found a place to park and got it in. This wasn’t the best sex but it was something we laughed about and remained to keep it a secret. So the calls continue and because I have gotten away with it once. I will do it again. This was love to me.
The next couple school years were just that. We would completely not talk as I was to into my click and you were into yours. We would see each other at parties or you would swing by but we would never really even attempt anything such as what we did in the past until my last party at the house. So after not really talking here you come to my house for a party with some guys. I was not impressed but I would ignore it and this is where I was test my waters once again. So the party is still going on and people are leaving. You stay a little longer while the guys you showed up with left. I know the beer was feeling good and the weed was making it right. So this is where we would connect again in closet on a fucking chair. When you are drunk and in high school you will raw dog anything. I promise you if she was not on the rag she was getting knocked up this night. Due to the circumstances that were at hand we could only commit the the mild shit. This was insane. Still to this day I remember it like it happened yesterday! So after whatever goes on it’s time to get some sleep and for people to part ways. We kissed each other good by and I have never kissed or been kissed like that in my life. This was love to me.
So school is officially out and everyone is going to follow their dreams or what the future had in store. I go do the Marine shit and you give birth to your first child. When I heard you were pregnant I was shocked and upset. I was well on my way in another relationship but the news was enough to make me want to throw up. This was the closing for me. This was the nail in the coffin. I grew up in a era where people who have kids together stay together. So I’m doing the military married thing and you are doing who knows. I always wanted to know how you were doing. I never could find a way to talk to you. We have a complete disconnect and I would say prob 3 to 4 years go by maybe even 5. I’m home and married up. You are single rumor has it. I haven’t seen you in year or talked with you either. I get a late ass phone call from a friend that is with you needing a ride back from the bar. So I tell my wife I’m gonna go and pick them up and I’ll be back. This might sound dumb but I was excited. I was about to see you and hear your voice, see you smile and see how you are doing. I was going to have a chance to see my best friend. So I hope in the car and travel and pick the group of you up. You guys are all drunk as fuck which was assumed but not drunk where no one couldn’t function or walk. So everyone loads up and I have a general idea of where you live and I know where everyone else lives. This in my head is where I knew I loved you more than I have anyone else. We made small talk while others are rambling on about whatever. The connection is there. So with the instant emotions of being reunited with my lost love. I was feeling happy. I was so happy that I was willing to commit adultery for the first time in my marriage. I was cocked blocked by the only guy in the car. So I was like I’ll drop you guys off and swing by and drop her off. This is where he knew me all to well. He is like no we will drop her off first and then you can drop us off. I looked in the review mirror at you and we caught eyes and the feeling was mutual. We both were thinking the same thing. Like fuck this guy! So I dropped you off first and then dropped everyone else off and went back home. I slept on this for a little while. I was happy for the simple fact that you were doing ok and I got to see you for 10 min. This was love to me.
So I’m still married and I’m going through issues with it. Not because of her actions at all. This was all me. This is all because I got to see you from the previous pick up. I couldn’t wait to see you again. So I was going to Walmart with my wife and I saw you and your daughter. We had no interaction besides a hi. I walked through the store thinking about you. Thinking wow she looks good. Thinking I wonder if she is single. All these wonders! This is love to me.
So life for me was at a all time low. I wasn’t happy in my life and I was sick of my marriage. I was not sick of my marriage because of my wife. I was sick of it because I wanted to be with you. I felt as though we should of been together. I felt that I wanted to experience everything we had in the past. So I’m officially out the house for the first time. I’m staying at a friends house. So my friend and you use to talk which made this better and easier. You guys were out for a drink and I was invited down to join you guys. I was technically still married and working on my issues I was having with my marriage. So I get down to the bar with you guys and we hit it off. We pick up like we never left off. This was what I was looking for. I have heard things about you and I knew you were single so there was hope. The things I heard made me triggered but I didn’t care about what ugly things you have done in the past or were doing. So we talked and talked and it was great. This was exactly what I needed. I didn’t care that people who knew I was married saw us talking, flirting, laughing and smiling. So the bar is getting a little out of hand and you have somewhere to go. So you were gonna leave. This was going all to well. So we exchange numbers. You are going to take a couple mins and say good by to the other friend and I’m going to go back to his place. So I leave the bar and drive to the house like a little kid who just opened his first Nintendo on Christmas. Before I even make it in the drive way I send you a text that you should swing by. I didn’t say for what or why. We both knew from being at the bar that we wanted to test the connection. So I told you to swing out. You swing out to the house and we keep talking. There is about a 20 min window roughly that we are both aware of. So the clothes come off and we have sex. This was just what it sounded like. It was sex. It was rushed and it was good but it was lacking something. This was the first time I fully committed adultery. I didn’t care because to me it was worth it. So there were some issues and rumors flying because in a small town that is what happens. So I call you up out of nowhere and tell you the story and without me having to say a single word you knew exactly what to say and how to say it. We had an agreement that we got each others back. You were willing to lie for me to the right people if needed and I was going to as well. This is love to me.
So after talking with family and them not fully knowing the situation I was convinced to try and make my marriage work. They all saw nothing but good in my ex and didn’t know how I was willing to fuck that all up. So I move back into my house with my wife after having sex with someone that was more than a piece of ass. I tried to make it work and went about a year faking the happiness. We end up having a child and this is where having a kid with someone that you are not fully committed to can get ugly. So rumors are coming out and name calling is being made and this is where I never stepped down to let anyone talk you down or bad about you. She found out but couldn’t really confirm it. I was asked and of course I lied about it. I lied because I was more worried about what damage could be done to you opposed to me not being able to see my kid for my actions that I have committed. This is love to me.
So guess what, it’s bad this time. I make the call to my boy and he just so happens to be with you and he knew without knowing it was an, I need to pick you up right now type of situation. She is with him in the truck. So he swings by and picks me up and she is hiding in the back seat. This was not planned. This was faith. So we all go do some cruising around and talking and venting. We go all go back and this is when I will have an affair because I’m legally married and I don’t care who is in the way. I had a wife who loved me and who would do anything for me, I had a lady who put her body through hell to carry my child. I was wiling to throw this all away for you. I was willing to throw this away to be happy. This is love to me.
So we are hanging out more and everything is perfect except the fact that I have decided to walk away from everything I worked for in my adult life. I’m staying at my friends house for the record but I’m staying the nights at your house. I’m getting up early to leave your house because I don’t want my ex to bash you or harass you by seeing my vehicle in the driveway. I would park in the garage at times because I would come over earlier than the normal. These things might seem minor but to me they all displayed what is love to me. I was willing to sacrifice anything and everything for your love. I have had my fair share of females in my days and I’m sure you have had the same share of males in your days but I have never felt this way about any female. Is it because how I grew up adoring you and caring about you my entire life. I’m not sure but I know for the first time I have truly felt love for the first time. I have had sexual experience with other females as well. There are people who you fuck and there are people who you have a special connection with during sexual intercourse. There is not a single female that I have ever made love to except for you. Of course in our younger days we fucked but as adults what we have is so special. I wish there were words to explain it but I’m not smart enough to think of them. When I think about the past there has never been anyone that looks at me the way you do, no one else touched me the way you do, no one ever made me smile like you do, no one ever came close to making me feel the way you make me feel. This is love to me.
There is no relationship that is perfect, if there was I would sure as fuck like to meet them because they full of shit. We will have up and downs. That is life. Sometimes we will lie because the truth is too dark and would rather not be dealt with. Sometimes we lie because all we want to do is give people the answers they want to hear and are scared of the actual outcome. Sometimes people lie because of love. I was with a person for 15 years and I lied because I was scared of the truth. The truth was I was in love with another person the whole time. I was looking for someone that reminded me of you. I couldn’t find anyone because there is only one you. This is love to me.
There was a time in my life where I was living pay check to pay check and it was all due to my actions of living reckless. There was a point where in my bank account I only had 215 bucks left to my name. There was a point when I was trying to do better in life in order to make things easier for you. During this time I took some crazy chances. I got a call late one night and was informed of some shitty news. Someone needs to be picked up. This was a shitty thing to wake up too and I remember laying in bed just waiting around for you to come home and you never showed up. So I did what I had to do and I spent what would of been my school loan payment on getting you. I didn’t have my debit card at the time so I borrowed it from the big guy. I know you didn’t have it and I could make it a lot faster than you could. So I came and got you because everyone will have highs and lows. You just need to be there for the lows and well as the highs. I didn’t care about a late fee or how I was going to make up that difference. It didn’t matter to me. I was willing to put myself in a financial bind for you. This is love to me.
So when you asked me What does love mean to me, here you go! You are love to me! I’m not a person who would ever base anything from looks and I would tell you day after day you are beautiful without makeup. Your personality and humor is something that is one of it’s kind. We both think a lot alike and it’s kinda scary. Your love for your children and patience is attractive. Your love for your parents is beautiful and I’m thinking you for displaying it all the time because when you lose them it fucking hurts really bad. You are a hard working strong female. When I got divorced and not knowing really how everything would turn out I always said I wasn’t going to bring my daughter around a female. You took my child in as if you gave birth to her yourself and for that I love you. You have flaws, I have flaws and everyone has flaws. It’s nature of the beast. The pros definitely out weight the flaws because when you love someone you tend to ignore them because they become so small. I love the adventures we use to take and the crazy ass ideas you would come up with. We both have diff schedules and I have a lot going on that can be stressful at times. In my family people tend to call me when they need something or have to talk and I will do anything for any of them even if it was to add more stress to my life. I’m strong enough to handle the stress and smart enough to get myself out of any issue I encounter. I don’t share what is always going on because why share the stress and bullshit. Sometimes it just better to keep you happy which keeps me happy even when the worse shit happens. We only have one life and I can’t think of any other person out there that I would rather want to spend it with. We might not always sleep in the same bed because I’m up at 1 gaming with my boys from way back knowing that we are under the same roof is sometimes all I need to keep me happy. It’s simple for me. They always say the best way to a man heart is through his stomach and I’m calling bullshit. You can cook but that’s not what go you into my heart. It’s everything I have experienced with you growing up and all that I have been through with you. Your morning dead tooth paper mill breath, greasy morning bed head, uncontrolled steak last night morning bowel movements, 2 bags of trash a day, cancer stick smoking raspy voice, dry ashy man hands, the wild eye brow, cowboy boot wearing, nasty strawberita drinking, love of my life. I have
gone my whole life taking a chance breaking all the rules for you every chance I got even if it would hurt someone else. Some might ask why? Because of that 4 letter word LOVE.
This is my message to anyone else that has found love. When you find it you will know and there is no other feeling like it. When you find it and if it feels as great as my love has for this girl make sure you do everything in your power to maintain and cherish it because there is nothing better in this world than being in love with someone who loves you back!
I love you and always will!
So now that this is out of the way and off my chest. I will be taking some time and sharing my views on shit just as I use to….
womym 